What am I doing?

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I might as well rant since nobody reads this stupid thing anyways. Well I’ve started again, even though I swore to myself I never would. I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but my boyfriend noticed that something was up, and I told him. I made him swear not to tell anyone else, and he didn’t. Then I asked a long distance friend of mine for help because I knew she had been doing it too and I knew she wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anyways. I told one more long distance friend because I tell him pretty much everything, and I’d want him to tell me if he was being as stupid as I am. So three people knew. I tried my hardest not to, but I didn’t get very far. And it’s all my asshole of a father’s fault. Making me feel worthless and like shit. Spiralling all these feelings. Planting all this doubt in my head, I mean if one of the people who is meant to stick by you no matter what and be there for anything and everything walks away without a backward glance, why would you believe that someone else would CHOOSE to stay, simply because they want to. Especially when I’m not the easiest person to be there for, as you need to be there a lot because I’m sick, a lot. So after my “Dad” left me and my 15 year old sister on the side of the main road an hour from home, and drove away without even texting us to see if we’d been picked up by an uncle (on mam’s side) that lived nearby, I felt pretty shitty. I wanted to do it that Saturday night, but instead I drank myself silly. I held off until Monday night. Then I couldn’t take the urges anymore and. . .

Again Tuesday morning, and Wednesday night. Then I thought I was doing okay. And I was for a while, despite the fact that I was kept in the hospital longer than planned. So from Wednesday the 24th, until yesterday I was okay. This time I really don’t want anyone to know. I’m hiding it. I can get over this. I think. I hope. I just don’t want to disappoint everyone again.

What makes it worse is I have just gotten into a wonderful relationship with a wonderfully amazing guy, and I start doing this again? The last thing I want to do is make him feel like it has anything to do with him, because it doesn’t. It couldn’t be further from it. If anything I think it would be worse if he wasn’t around. I love him so very much, and I don’t ever want to lose him. I couldn’t handle that.

Don’t feed the trolls.

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So recently on facebook someone has been posting multiple posts about how “sick” they are, and it’s very tiring to read bullshit like this when you’re actually genuinely sick yourself. I’m not saying people who get minor head colds can’t post a status saying “Ugh I’m sick”, but I’m just saying don’t do it every damn day. It gets on people’s nerves, just most people don’t want to cause a scene and hope by comment “aww, you poor thing, get well soon” and giving them some attention they’ll shut up soon. Generally I ignore this person, but recently the posts were getting more and more annoying. One in particular, complaining about being in hospital and that they might be missing a concert. I posted on this, genuinely trying to be sympathetic because I’ve missed concerts because of being sick in hospital. I said something along the lines of that she should sell her tickets rather than hope to go if she’s still in the hospital (the concert being in three days time), she commented back saying “Oh I’m not in hospital anymore”. At this point I couldn’t handle it anymore and word for word posted “Well shut the hell up complaining then!”

She honestly doesn’t understand that I wasn’t trying to upset her or make her feel worse, I was just telling her to shut up and stop fishing for sympathy that’s probably false most of the time anyways, just nobody else has the “courage” to say it to her. Someone who is sick with something serious (like me), in general doesn’t want to draw attention to that fact all of the time and wouldn’t be posting everyday looking for sympathy, because they want to be treated like everyone else, not singled out for being different. At least that’s what I feel, and a few others that I know who have similar conditions.

What’s worse, is she seems to have compared her minor “illness” (which she may or may not have, most people seem to think she doesn’t or that the doctor just diagnosed something so that she would shut up) to mine saying I don’t know what it’s like, and that set everyone who knows both of us into a massive rant. I don’t know if she actually said anything since I never saw it and only heard it through another party. I heard it from several people. I don’t see why they would make it up, but I didn’t want to cause a fight, I just wanted to stop her posting annoying updates.

After so many falls it seems I’m finally getting the hang of life

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So, life seems to be going well at the moment. Things are looking up, my health, my family, my education, and maybe even my love life, but I don’t want to be jumping ahead of myself. I got the results of my Leaving Cert exams a few weeks ago. Missed all the celebrating with everyone as I was away on holidays at the time, but they’re will be plenty of crazy nights out again in the future, I have no doubt of that. Returning from my holidays I prepared for a college interview and my graduation meal and dance. Less than 24 hours after my interview I was contacted to say I’d gotten my place on the course. I was ecstatic. It was amazing. Then the grad, I went with a good friend of mine, we’ve known each other for years, he lives just up the road. A wonderful guy, a real gentlemen. One of those very few chivalrous guys left in the world.

My health is good, I haven’t been sick in over two months. I hope it will stay that way for another few months at the very least. I can’t hope for years because I know in my heart it’s never going to happen. I’ll only get months of good health before it cliff dives again. You might think it’s a pessimistic view, but you don’t know my life. You don’t know how I make the absolute most of my healthy spells.

Of course life never gives you good news with out some bad news, but at the moment I’m too happy to be effected by the bad news. And I hope it lasts as long as possible. These recent weeks have been fantastic. I hope it continues like this for quite a while.

No, I’m not vain.

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I’m not vain, but is it too much to ask to look nice in something? I went shopping for swimsuits today. Firstly I can’t even look at bikinis, not because I’m fat or anything, but with my Cystic Fibrosis I have a feeding peg in my stomach.

It looks like this. So as you can imagine, if you saw this sticking out of someone’s stomach you’d stare. And I’d be very self concious. Anyway, it would be worse because my tube is red and inflamed, it’s not contagious or anything. It’s just irritated.

So I went to the full suit section, picked out one or two that I thought looked nice. Tried them on. I felt horrible looking in the mirror. Some of organs, like my spleen and liver, are swollen, and when I wear a swimsuit, it’s very obvious. I look terrible, I look weirdly fat, or slightly pregnant. It hurts, because I’m not fat, I’ve struggled with putting on weight all my life, and now I can’t even strut around like a sexy thin person because my body is all disfigured. It’s not vain, is it? I started crying there and then in the dressing room. I see my sister walking around with her perfect tummy and bikinis. She thiks she’s pudgy and needs to lose a few kilos, but she doesn’t, she’s absolutely perfect. And I’m so very jealous of her figure.

Another thing that upsets me, is the size of my boobs. Yeah, sounds silly, but I’m 18 years old with literally no boobage. I don’t want to be Jordan or anything, but a decent pair of boobs would be nice. Something to make me feel more feminine.

The fact that I can’t wear tight revealing clothes upsets me. That makes me sound slutty, but I’m not, it’s just that because of all these things I can’t wear certain clothes that would make me look sexy and attractive. I cover up my body with loose large hoodies.

Blocking out the world, I find this song works.

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Give Me Novacaine – Green Day

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can’t take this feeling anymore

[Chorus:]
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won’t feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that’s alright
Jimmy says it’s better than air,
I’ll tell you why

[Chorus]

Oh Novacaine

[Chorus:]
Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me Jimmy I won’t feel a thing
So give me Novacaine