I might as well rant since nobody reads this stupid thing anyways. Well I’ve started again, even though I swore to myself I never would. I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but my boyfriend noticed that something was up, and I told him. I made him swear not to tell anyone else, and he didn’t. Then I asked a long distance friend of mine for help because I knew she had been doing it too and I knew she wouldn’t be able to tell anyone anyways. I told one more long distance friend because I tell him pretty much everything, and I’d want him to tell me if he was being as stupid as I am. So three people knew. I tried my hardest not to, but I didn’t get very far. And it’s all my asshole of a father’s fault. Making me feel worthless and like shit. Spiralling all these feelings. Planting all this doubt in my head, I mean if one of the people who is meant to stick by you no matter what and be there for anything and everything walks away without a backward glance, why would you believe that someone else would CHOOSE to stay, simply because they want to. Especially when I’m not the easiest person to be there for, as you need to be there a lot because I’m sick, a lot. So after my “Dad” left me and my 15 year old sister on the side of the main road an hour from home, and drove away without even texting us to see if we’d been picked up by an uncle (on mam’s side) that lived nearby, I felt pretty shitty. I wanted to do it that Saturday night, but instead I drank myself silly. I held off until Monday night. Then I couldn’t take the urges anymore and. . .
Again Tuesday morning, and Wednesday night. Then I thought I was doing okay. And I was for a while, despite the fact that I was kept in the hospital longer than planned. So from Wednesday the 24th, until yesterday I was okay. This time I really don’t want anyone to know. I’m hiding it. I can get over this. I think. I hope. I just don’t want to disappoint everyone again.
What makes it worse is I have just gotten into a wonderful relationship with a wonderfully amazing guy, and I start doing this again? The last thing I want to do is make him feel like it has anything to do with him, because it doesn’t. It couldn’t be further from it. If anything I think it would be worse if he wasn’t around. I love him so very much, and I don’t ever want to lose him. I couldn’t handle that.
Life as I know it. 