No, I’m not vain.

I’m not vain, but is it too much to ask to look nice in something? I went shopping for swimsuits today. Firstly I can’t even look at bikinis, not because I’m fat or anything, but with my Cystic Fibrosis I have a feeding peg in my stomach.

It looks like this. So as you can imagine, if you saw this sticking out of someone’s stomach you’d stare. And I’d be very self concious. Anyway, it would be worse because my tube is red and inflamed, it’s not contagious or anything. It’s just irritated.

So I went to the full suit section, picked out one or two that I thought looked nice. Tried them on. I felt horrible looking in the mirror. Some of organs, like my spleen and liver, are swollen, and when I wear a swimsuit, it’s very obvious. I look terrible, I look weirdly fat, or slightly pregnant. It hurts, because I’m not fat, I’ve struggled with putting on weight all my life, and now I can’t even strut around like a sexy thin person because my body is all disfigured. It’s not vain, is it? I started crying there and then in the dressing room. I see my sister walking around with her perfect tummy and bikinis. She thiks she’s pudgy and needs to lose a few kilos, but she doesn’t, she’s absolutely perfect. And I’m so very jealous of her figure.

Another thing that upsets me, is the size of my boobs. Yeah, sounds silly, but I’m 18 years old with literally no boobage. I don’t want to be Jordan or anything, but a decent pair of boobs would be nice. Something to make me feel more feminine.

The fact that I can’t wear tight revealing clothes upsets me. That makes me sound slutty, but I’m not, it’s just that because of all these things I can’t wear certain clothes that would make me look sexy and attractive. I cover up my body with loose large hoodies.

Amounting to something…

I never know what to write for these blogs, I just hope that inspiration will some how find me. It doesn’t always, thus my silly short little posts that nobody reads. Or if they do they’re not intriguing enough for people to post on and let me know they’re reading, and would like me to keep writing nonsense each day.

I dream of amounting to something but so many things are holding me back, my health mainly. The next thing would probably be means to develop an idea. My perseverance is greatly affected by my lack of stamina because of my Cystic Fibrosis. It’s demotivating. I wish I could do something with my life. I recently thought of doing a short film of my daily routine as I have so many things to do. Medication, nebulisers, feed, ventilator at night, more and more being added to my routine as I get older. I mean I don’t even go to school, I have to get taught at home because I don’t have the energy for school.