I recently told someone they were holding back and not letting everything out, well so have I. So here goes.
No names, but you’ll know who you are if you’re reading this. I know it was partially my fault, but you did hurt me, and I’m tired of thinking about your damn feelings. I’m not being selfish when I put myself first. I was confused too, you lead me on. I know it might not have seemed that way, but I really just wanted to help you pick up the pieces. I didn’t want you to do it alone, because I’ve seen someone close to me do that and nobody should have to do it alone. You knew you didn’t want anything, why didn’t you say no before I got emotionally attached again? You didn’t want to hurt me? A simple “no” to start off with would have been less painful than this. I wanted to talk about it and set the story straight, but you wanted to ignore it. I eventually got you talking and you told me everything. Then weeks passed and nothing, a random text with vague details of your busy life. I knew what you were doing, in my heart I knew, but my head told me I was paranoid. You wouldn’t do that after what you told me, would you? You’ve pushed me away, and this time I’ll stay away. Goodbye my dear friend.
Next, life is moving so quickly. Over a year has passed since my life was turned upside down. My mother told me we were moving back to Ireland, because my dad was having an affair. We packed our bags and went home. The next few months of my life were the hardest ever. So many people thought it was because of the marriage break up, that I was upset, but they were wrong. I got so sick over the summer. I nearly died, twice. I have Cystic Fibrosis, you see so I get sick a lot, but not like that. I was in hospital dying, and getting a blood transfusion to save my life, and my dad was whoring abroad with his “mistress”. He sent me a text saying “I’m sorry to hear you had a blood transfusion”. It’s taken me a while to accept how little my dad actually cares. The saddest part is that he did care once. Once many years ago. Now all he cares about is getting money off my mother. He doesn’t see that he’s taking the money from myself and my sister, his children. Maybe he does, but just doesn’t care. I get overwhelmed sometimes and just break down crying, not because I miss him, but because I miss the person he used to be. I had never understood the phrase “a familiar stranger” but when I saw my dad for the first time after the revelation of his affair, I didn’t recognise him, he was a familiar stranger. This paragraph is a little jumbled, but that’s how my feelings are for my dad. He’s dead to me now, but the person he was isn’t, and I really really miss that dad. The old dad, the one that cared. He didn’t do much, but it seemed like he was trying. This one only does something when there’s something in it for him.
Even with all that’s going on in my life, I am thankful and grateful. If none of this stuff had happened I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I’m strong and stubborn and well able to stick up for myself and what I think is right. I have a supportive mother and sister, who’ll stick with me through anything. I have some amazing close friends that I can tell anything, and I know they’d do anything they could for me. I have things that some people don’t have. And for that I am so grateful.
The future, I always find the future hard to imagine, impossible to plan for. With the unpredictability of my health, I don’t know what could happen. I could be perfectly healthy on Monday and in hospital by Thursday morning. It has happened. I want to become an actress. I know it will be tough, but it’s what I want. I don’t know where the future will take me, but right now all I know is that the future finally looks brighter.
Life as I know it. 